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Post by the bear on Dec 12, 2009 13:39:14 GMT -5
As I write this the sun is shining, Christmas is but a few short days away and I feel utterly alone abandoned and betrayed.
I know just how hard a caregivers role is. In my previous marriage I was there for my wife of 37 years when she learned she had lung cancer in the fall, winter of 2000. I looked after her every need for 2 years until the disease killed her. Or rather the pumping of the morphine pump by her doctor mercifully took her to that other place. I drove her to doctors appointments, chemotherapy sessions, radiation treatments all to no avail. I watched her go from being a vibrant fun loving person into a bitter shell of a woman. It took 2 years to kill her. She died in April 2002 after 39 1/2 years of marriage.
Me now I must be a little tougher, I can not recall exactly when I was first diagnosed with COPD I was in and out of hospital so often with CHF when I got the "You are going to die" message.
About this time I met and married what I thought was a wonderful woman. She stuck by me but now wants out.
She has consulted a lawyer and wants to separate.
As I said I feel abandoned and betrayed.
So my question is what does one do now while they are in a fragile health state metally and physically??
Any suggestions out there in cyberspace??
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Post by the bear on Dec 12, 2009 14:11:10 GMT -5
I also know that my heart is broken. She has broken my spirit. I know too that in time a broken heart heals. My question is do I have enough time?
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Post by virginia on Dec 12, 2009 15:43:33 GMT -5
Bear, I'm crying for you and will pray for you, but I don't know how to ease your pain...
I know there will be those that know you better than I , Maybe see things more clear than me..But This is from my heart..I'm so sorry..
a big BEAR HUG(((((())))))
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Post by bobbioh on Dec 12, 2009 16:20:32 GMT -5
Bear I'm so sorry your going through this crap. You don't deserve it. Some people just are not giving enough to stand by their spouse in hard times. Maybe you could run a add in the paper and get someone to move in and help you with the bills and transportation to and from apt. Don't give up something will work out. And we all love and need you here. Bobbi  |
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Post by sandy07 on Dec 12, 2009 18:12:45 GMT -5
If you have friends and some sort of support system that can help with your household then stay where you are. (If you like where you are living). If not, think about moving. I'd wait till Spring. I think it's important to have friends around as we get older. Sometimes we need to make NEW friends....sometimes easier said than done. Are you able at this point to physically/financially loolk after your place. Is it big enough to rent out a room? Volunteering is a great way to meet people BUT..if we are physically unable to do much then our volunteering is limited.
I know of a 101 yr. old woman on oxygen that gets in a cab every Sunday and goes to church. She says it is her family. I don't know how you feel about churches but they do come together if someone is in need.
You'll need to make a list of what you want/don't want... to have/or not have...
Door might have shut but a window opened.
Cheap real estate in Arizona. You can get a trailer in a community cheap. Lots of Canadians around to make friends with... won't mention the nice weather right now. Some are rentals too. Try before you buy. All kinds on- line.
I've had to do it myself....twice actually. I think I ended up better for it tho.
I want to hear real soon Bear that you are doing something .
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Post by Blossom/Jackie W. on Dec 12, 2009 20:18:58 GMT -5
Bear... you KNOW you're not alone so stop right there please. You have a HUGE, loving family here.....
You and I; we're COPD "buddies" .... and more; we've talked, we'll continue to talk.... O.K.? Whenever you want and I know that others are of the same thought.
But; MORE importantly; you can talk here just as you have now; with us; your friends and extended family.! This is a safe place for all of us when we, any of us, needs it.
You do have several options Bear...... a couple are pretty good if you think about it ..... O.K.? You're sorta in the driver's seat right now and not e'one gets to have choices.
Get some rest; think "forward" ......
We're all gonna ride this one with you.... together
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Post by susanny on Dec 13, 2009 0:23:09 GMT -5
Dear Bear, I am so sorry you have to deal with another loss. I've only "known" you for a few months now, and can say that I've always thought of you as an interesting, kind man who doesn't need or deserve to be treated like this. But don't you dare let her take your will away from you!!! You don't need to be defined by her actions. You know how much love you have in you, 39 1/2 years worth with one woman is a whole lot of loving. I know because I am going on 38 this next Jan. It takes a lot of work, and you both have to work at it. It sounds like Carol just doesn't want to put into the marriage what is needed. Her loss, as it's obvious you know how to do it. I don't know if there's any possibility of fixing what is broken, but if there isn't, let it go. Don't let it eat you up. It's going to be hard, esp. now at this time of the year. It sounds like you've never been on your own for any length of time, and didn't like it. Lean on your friends, here and at home. We aren't going to leave you, we'll always be here. Heck, you may have noticed I'm usually around in the middle of the night even. Sandy, too.
I do not know, however, if you have other family. You know you can talk to Jackie. She's offered her shoulder and that's what true family does. I don't know what options she's mentioned, but open your heart to really considering them.
As for time, none of us know how much time we have. But we have to live each day as if it was our last. Do what we want to be remembered by. Do the things that make us happy. Start out with a small thing, but keep at it. Oh, it's so easy for me to say. I can imagine it's hard to think that there is anything that could make you happy right now. So that's when you reach out, like you just have, and let us help you with our words. We'll be listening. And just be quiet if that's what you want. But we aren't going to leave you on your own.
Love, Sue
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Post by spike99 on Dec 13, 2009 11:39:47 GMT -5
Bear: I read your opening post a few days ago and during that time, its contents touched my heart in many different ways. Very few posts on forums do that. Thank you for posting your opening post... Like Rosemary's previous posts, your opening post touched my heart as well...
Just wanted to let you know that yes. One can have many friends (like your many friends on this forum) and still be alone. Young kids, teen agers, middle age adults and older age adults (like ourselves) can feel alone at times. This is a normal feeling during life and unfortunately, does happen to each of us - even to the best of us.
As mentioned in other replies, do try to expand your current lifestyle tasks by seeking out other new adventures in life. Simple stuff like attending church (if church is your thing), volunteer at your local Childrens Hospital, helping your local animal shelter take a few dogs to local old age homes (for their Special Sunday visitation events) or some other "supporting others" task. I find that giving to others helps take one's mind off certain feelings and in the long run, allow one's self to enjoy other things in life. And, one path leads to another, which leads to another, which puts one's mindset in a different feeling (instead of feeling alone).
If wondering, there's this older guy who does school zone cross walk escorting at my local public school. He holds up the stop sign and escorts many kids across the busy road. During his 60 minutes morning session and 60 minutes afternoon session, smiles at many different kids, talks to kid's parents and has a great "smiling time" doing it. And, he gets his daily physical exercise at the same time. When I chat with him, he often says, "Today's a good day. I'm helping my kids today". I chatted with him many times and when not so busy, he talks about his many previous businesses, his many previous expensive sports cars and talks about the many places he's traveled to. A "very enriched" person who now gives back to his community. And, he also shows others that human relationships comes first - money is second. He gives to his community because it makes him happy. A mind state he forces upon himself every M-F day.
With above in mind, do perform a daily task that gives you `personal passion` as well. With passion comes new friends, with new friends comes that one or two special friends. And, the special friends help drive one's "feeling alone" emotions out of one's heart. Thus, reaching your goal and making other people's lives becom much better as well... Just like my local school crossing guard buddy.
Hope this helps....
.
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Post by spike99 on Dec 13, 2009 11:58:41 GMT -5
Hi Bear....
Did I tell you about another old guy in my little village? He took his old snow blower and would snow blow people's drive ways out. For years, he did this for Free. When folks came home from their work (especially the women drivers in dresses and shoes), they simply pulled into their "cleaned out" drive way. For years, he cleaned out deep snow with his old snow blower. One day, his old snow blower "blew up" and he couldn't afford to fix it. All his neighbours immediately pulled together, donated lots of dollars and bought him a brand new snow blower. A top of the line with stronger engine and with power steering feature. This one also had a plastic cab and driving lights. After that, this old guy kept snow blowing snow. And did it with a much larger smile...
Point of my true story... Never assume you are alone. They are many people by your side, ready to pick you back up, even when you think nobody is watching. And, your life will be much, much better afterwards.... Just like the old guy who used to snow blow my wife's driveway out (until I got my own snow blower)....
Hope this helps as well...
.
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Post by Blossom/Jackie W. on Dec 13, 2009 13:02:52 GMT -5
Just a quickie update here; I told Bear I'd let e'one know since they'd be missing the Whitby weather report.... (I spoke with him a few minutes ago)
He's flat on his back again (he has a bad back) He threw it out again y'day by coughing.....
He's O.K.; I think it was Carol I heard in the background; and; I think, from what he's told me, he's made a decision etc but; that's not my place to expand on. He can tell you when he's back on his feet.
Anyway; he's O.K. and hopefully won't be "down" too long.....
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Post by Wildoats on Dec 13, 2009 14:33:38 GMT -5
Things have a way of working out Bear..ocassionally it's the way we want them to. Hang in there, it's a great ride full of surprises. Like I said the other day, I'm as far away as your phone.
Hugs and good thoughts to ya buddy!
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Post by mary57 on Dec 14, 2009 9:55:12 GMT -5
Bear, BIG HUGS to you, I didn't catch your post till this morning, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. As others have said we are here for you. You can PM me anytime and I'd be glad to 'talk'. I'm hopeing that your back is easier today, Iknow how bad it can get, my sister suffers horribly with hers.
Please, Please know that many many people love you and you are not alone.
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Post by susanny on Dec 14, 2009 12:08:00 GMT -5
And here's another hug for you!
Now you've done gone and hurt your back again Rats! Are you going to be able to get to the chiro, I hope so.
Thinking of you every day, Sue
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2009 12:54:41 GMT -5
Bear,
First of all I hope your back gets better, i know all too well back pain. Sometimes you can be in a crowded room and feel alone, we never want you to feel that way, while distance seperates us all were all together in spirit and friendship. Wanna come to sunny Fl? I need cheering up myself, see we all get down so the only way to go is up. I know you loved your first wife, and Carol, you need to be strong, me and Rich will be married 40 years Dec 20th, if he didn't want to b e with me anymore I would gladly show him the door. You have courage and the strength of a hundred grisley bears, we love you Bear! ((((((Huggles))))))) Linndie
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Post by deltagirl on Dec 14, 2009 14:28:41 GMT -5
Bear, I hope time and patience will take care of both your back and your personal problems. Take care  . |
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Post by John on Dec 15, 2009 6:37:02 GMT -5
 Hi Bear I don't know how I missed this thread ,but I did . I'm very sorry for your troubles in life & have lit a candle for you both . Try to keep in mind that you maybe lonely but you don't have to be alone . Just get on your puter & read the post here from your friends . There's A very good self help book called "The Language of letting Go " By Melody Beady . I recommend you spend the $13 & avail yourself to a very helpful tool ! 
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Post by mary57 on Dec 15, 2009 11:21:48 GMT -5
Bear, I hope your back is a bit easier today, Jackie said you have made a decision, I find that's the biggest part of dealing with anything, BIG HUGS to you. Take things one step at a time, and believe. I have found a prayer helps me when I need it, It's called Saint Terissa's Prayer. now I'm anglican not catholic but when something 'speaks' to me I listen, perhaps this will speak to you. Take Care
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Post by susanny on Dec 15, 2009 13:27:10 GMT -5
 , Bear. I hope you are feeling better today. Here is Saint Theresa's prayer that Mary mentions. I hope it copies. Saint Theresa's Prayer May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us. You're going to be alright. You will make it through this dark hour. And we'll be here. |
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Post by John on Dec 15, 2009 20:49:41 GMT -5
Excellent prayer Susan NY ! I've used my self many times over the years
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2009 21:58:15 GMT -5
I know that prayer by heart,
Bear, were all pulling for ya!
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Post by mary57 on Dec 16, 2009 7:10:32 GMT -5
Bear, I hope the chiropactor was able to make a house call and that your back is easier today.
Reading the past few entries it's funny how simmilar we are, in our faith and values, not to mention the COPD. As I mentioned I use Saint Theresa's Prayer but another reading I have found helpful is The Deserata of Happiness.
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Post by toni on Dec 16, 2009 9:18:19 GMT -5
Bear, Sending you a lot of HUGS at this time. Praying that 2010 will be a better year for you. |
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Post by mary57 on Dec 19, 2009 9:48:07 GMT -5
Bear, haven't heard any updates the last few days. Hope your back is getting easier, and that you are feeling a lilttle less alone. A big hug to you, and wishing you the best.
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Post by susanny on Dec 19, 2009 9:59:17 GMT -5
Thinking of you every day. Sending positive thoughts, and wondering how the heck the weather is in Whitby, both indoors and out. Hugs, Sue
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Post by Blossom/Jackie W. on Dec 19, 2009 12:27:11 GMT -5
Hey guys..... just to let you know...... I've been putting daily updates on Bear in the Over the Fence area. Maybe I should have put it here. Anyway... I'll be checking on him again today and will let you know "Over There"
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, Bear. I hope you are feeling better today. Here is Saint Theresa's prayer that Mary mentions. I hope it copies.